I probably shouldn't be telling you this.

I'm about to tell you a story that any appropriate, professional person probably wouldn't tell. But by now you know that I'm a little bit inappropriate and unprofessional, so here you go.

Yesterday I picked up a morning-only sub job at a school that will remain anonymous. It was for a "special" teacher-- you know, phy. ed., music, art, typing... do they still even teach typing? Well, okay, so it wasn't typing. It was one of the other ones but I'm not going to tell you which one. I got to the school around 8:30, and the teacher's first class didn't start until 10. The office staff thought the teacher might email some plans in later in the morning, so I went to the school library and shelved books until 9:30. Still no lesson plans, so I went to the classroom and stared pawing through materials, trying to make something up to entertain kids for 30 minutes at a time. Three minutes into my paw-fest, the teacher walked in. We'll call the teacher X. We'll call me Delightfully Chipper Substitute Teacher.

X: Are you my sub? I was hoping no one would pick up the sub job. I knew I'd be here by the time my first class started, but my principal forced me to call in for a sub.

Delightfully Chipper: Well, I'm here till noon, and I'm happy to help with anything!
Note: After this day, I will choose my words more carefully.

X: Oh, I'm going to put you to work all right. The first thing you can do is put this ice pack in my cooler.

DCST: No problem!

X: No, no, not like that! You have to screw it in the top!

Delightful: Oh, of course. Here we go... all screwed in.

X: UGH! You have to put the handle down, like this, to lock the lid in place!

Delightfully Chipper: I see.

X: The next thing I'm going to have you do is untie my lunch.

X sets a nylon lunch bag with a velcro top on the desk in front of me. Around it is tied a grimy scarf. Like the grimiest scarf you've ever seen, times ten.

Delight to Be With: Alright.

X removes lunch and puts it in the previously ice packed cooler.

X: Now tie it back up.

Delightful but Sometimes Skeptical: Are you serious?

X: Oh, I'm serious. I. Am. Serious.

Deedee (while tying grimy scarf back up around lunch bag): Okee dokee.

X: Now put it on the window ledge.

FYI, the window ledge was approximately one inch from X. I had to walk around the desk and around X in order to get to it.

Delight: There you go!

X: I'm going to have you do a lot of photocopying today while I teach.

Delight of Delights (realizing that there is no copier in the room and this may be my chance to escape): WONDERFUL!!! Would you like to get me started on that right now?

X: No. Put these seating charts in order first. (Hands me a clipboard)

Delightfully Chipper (sitting down in a student chair): No problem. (Starts organizing; out of peripheral vision, sees X walking across the room in front of her till X is about 15 feet away.) Just one question on this chart... (Looks up, just long enough to see that X has her skirt lifted all the way up and is taking off her pantyhose. Immediately looks back to clipboard)... uh, never mind. I think I got it.

X: Did yesterday's sub leave me a note?

Delightfully Chipmunky: No, I didn't see anything.

X: Maybe she left it in my mailbox.

Delightfully Trying to Escape While Appearing Chipper: WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO CHECK YOUR MAILBOX?!?!?!?!?!? (Basically panting and jumping up and down at the thought of leaving the room.)

X: Yes. Do that.

Delighfully Chipper (after grabbing personal belongings and sprinting to the office): I need to speak with the principal immediately.

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Seriously, people, no matter how hard up you are for cash, don't become a substitute teacher. Sell your bone marrow or something.